The Unconventional Exercise Programme

Week one, day one.

Warm up:

Fall out of bed while trying to turn off your alarm clock. Trip over clothing on the floor on the way to the bathroom. Really get those arms flailing!


Cycle to school. For maximum effectiveness, ensure you’re running a few minutes late. When you reach school, realise it’s graduation day and you ought to be wearing a suit. Get back on your bike and cycle home again as fast as you can. Remember, there’s a time limit! Bonus points if you explain in Japanese why you’re leaving again. 

When you get home, it’s obstacle course time! Sprint up the stairs, dodge the stuff on the floor, get your clothes off and get the suit on. You have three minutes! 

Then there’s one final sprint on the bicycle. For an extra challenge, knock your chain loose by taking a curb too fast and fix it in a nearby carpark. 

Cool down:

Great workout! Cool down by sauntering nonchalantly into the office; act like you totally remembered graduation. Stretch out those muscles by trying to fix your hair while having a conversation. 

Don’t forget to rehydrate by drinking a mug of water then panicking because you don’t want to have to pee during the ceremony. 

Remember: this programme works best when used in conjunction with the “I Forgot To Buy Groceries Again” diet. 


4 thoughts on “The Unconventional Exercise Programme

  1. If only it had been raining! Then you could have transitioned from cardio to cool down with a refreshing shower.

    I would have absolutely lost it at the chain though. Kudos for not attacking a nearby Obaasan in an oily, sweaty rage!

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